For You

I have been tasting loneliness at the tip of my tongue
and every-time I swallow to ease the taste
the distance creates a lump in my throat

I have  a history of letting go
of things out of my sight
That's just how I deal with stuff

but for you
 I long stopped looking for the exit door
I am strapped in to the  core of my soul
I have given up search of things i can always find
 I'm in pursuit of our lost and found
Cause i know
nothing new
can replace the flutter you leave in my gut
nothing new
can make me  forget
how sweet you are
nothing new
can make this distance so great
that i cant be patient enough to watch the tick toying of seconds move me closer to you


and i wasnt lying when i said
if this is a war
I will bleed for you
till i find you whole
cause you have my heart
and my heart knows the direction of its love
even when all else seems lost
i cannot stop
thinking of you

Submit to authority :( :)

I was pitying myself a lot tonight,thinking of how i have to be in the hospital at early hours of the morning when my peers are sound asleep on weekends and a huge  part of me did  not want to attend tomorrow's post call rounds at all,unfortunately for me ,i accidentally clicked on Joyce Meyer's site and bang,one of the daily devotional had a verse  saying 

Be submissive to every human institution and authority for the sake of the Lord, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to bring vengeance (punishment, justice) to those who do wrong and to encourage those who do good service.
—1 Peter 2:13-14

and all i am thinking is God why oh why,i was planning on enjoying a stolen morning but now your word is convicting me.I cannot not attend this post call ward rounds cause i have to submit to authority regardless of whether someone is watching me or not.So i will try to get there tomoro morning :(

Morobanyana

My mom once said
whoever marries me should be prepared to deal with another man
See, i have allergies to submission
and committing
and anything that requires me to put another person's needs before mine
i like to do things my way at my own time
my ears are sound proof to orders
i don't believe in fairy tales or happily ever after
or scrubbing someone's back
or changing nappies and making dinner
 see,

that stuff is for babies
and people
 who read Cinderella

But
when you call me
Morobanyana

My ribcage submits

to beat of your knocking heart

Dear S- How she prayed

Dear S

Have you ever seen  a nation pray? You should visit to see my people pray.

Those without sin are praying.Those who are sinning are praying.Those without rain are praying.Those who are flooded are praying.Those in debt are praying.Those with money are praying.Those in power are praying.Those without power are praying.Those who are corrupt are praying.Those who are tired of corruption are praying.Those who are living are praying.Those who are  dying are praying.Those who cannot  own businesses are praying.Those who own  businesses are praying.Those whose businesses are low are praying.Even coffin sellers are praying.


The day we left my mother was praying..

She prayed long and hard like God only has ears that only  listen to dissertations and have no time for blurbs or briefs.My flight nearly left. She shouted hard the demons must have grown deaf that day I  tell you.Apparently demons have taken over my body and soul.That is why I do not follow leaders like I should.That is why my voice carries  urgency for change .In her world demons take over everything and everyone who questions  the way the system runs.The stupid demons though,they never speak up.They never say,ahh but now,you are blaming us for something we did not do.

She shouted  fire! fire! holy fire! like our lives were not already burning  in hell.She even sprayed some holy water on my luggage.Apparently it is the blood of Jesus covering my soul.I have often felt sorry for  Jesus whose blood is always being wasted. I'm sure sure if he was human he would not get a proper  blood donor by now,especially with this 1 in 4 people thing in our land.This new pastor on TV must find another way to cover things in.

Anyway i do not say this things to my mother.All she will see is  a lost soul. I was even told how my demons were so stubborn,and they already required a visit to the head pastor so he could pray over my photo.That is how they exorcise stubborn demons here.

So you know me,and my desire to keep my things private.My image is still something i hold close.So i writhed like a snake.I writhed on the ground and became a contortionists overnight.I let my mouth froth the same way I have seen fitting girls and boys do in that hopeless place.I still have a few secrets I am not ready yet for her prophet to reveal if at all he is true.

But still she said prayer alone is never enough.So she went over there and she gave.Those with nothing gave.Those who were sick gave.Those who were dying gave.Those who were fearing jail,they gave.Those who had debts gave.Those who  wanted more, gave.Those who believed gave.Those who doubted also gave.

And those who could pray for miracles took all that  the people gave.

Anyway,even my father also gave.


You know my father ,right.He believes in the power of red.Be it powder or party or whatever .Like all these years he should have seen it yield something by now but from what i have seen,its has not yet.Its just the fear of change that keeps him relying on it.So ,i was still telling you,he gave me red powder to sprinkle in the galvanised bath and plunge myself in there.I hate the smell of metal,but you know we don't argue with our fathers over here.So instead I said yes father,I will do as you say.But you know me,even though im your savior im no where near to being obedient like Jesus even when he had so much temptation.I don't take instructions so easily do I,unless I'm puppy eyed by you of course.I do not know if my father can ever make me puppy eyed,atleast not in a romantic way but father daughter way--me and him,we don't have that kind of thing between us going on.

I cannot write much now S,thinking about my father has taken all my joy,and i cannot go on now .I will continue when i cangive you something to brighten your day


❤ M.M

Dear S-Why we left

Dear S

I am going to tell you myself why we left,lest you hear it from somebody else.

We did not intend to leave them to die.Intending would mean that we had the audacity to pick what we longed for in our hearts. That we were okay with aiding and abetting the coffin makers businesses. That at night, when we slept, we slept soundly at the thought of our impending pilgrimage like worry free babies. Like we were not cutting our own roots and leaving familiar behind.

 We did not carry our pooh in pampers anymore so in our sleep we turned and tossed as we contemplated how best to deal with all this pooh that they kept throwing in our front yards. Leaving us in messes we did not create. We bled deeply, for our country men. We did not have the privilege of choice or voice like you have over there. We got fed up of murmuring under our breath at daily wakes. Our lungs became heavy and it was hard to breath freely in our mother land. We left our world behind, whispering couplets, quatrains and sonnets of sad goodbyes. We only meant for those who were close enough in body and in mind, to hear why we were leaving.

Others like you, who had not seen what we had seen did not understand,they could not understand. I still hope you, even though you have not seen, you will understand, because you know well the kind of person I am.

 I am a saviour. Remember the day I slept on the hard floor with just a thin sheet to keep the crawling ants away because you were afraid of the dark and the eeri noises ,even though you knew fully well how terrified I am of crawling little things like ants, and by morning you called me a savoir because of that. My friend, I am still a savoir.But this war is no place for a savoir. Even Jesus himself would have walked away and never returned for the saving of these ungrateful souls.

They shouted at us like we were saint peter and we had sold Jesus for a few shillings. They said we had taken oaths to save lives and now we were  indulging in the seven deadly sins, growing greedier and greedier by the day. Mind you, we never told them in saving lives we would not want our own lives to be better. We never said we would be strong enough to never lust for extra shillings. So I do not understand why they call us sell outs. We never took an oath of saint-ship for anybody .We are just flesh and blood longing for the same things that other men faced with the temptation of a better life face.

Some of my friends’ wives married them for their potential.That potential was not being realised there, but it seemed there were places like Aussie and Obama-land  and other places where the promised land appeared to exist. So leaving with them was the choice they had before they left them first.

I have no wife or husband to leave with or to leave for. But their insults when we ask for a raise to keep or families just taken care of have forced me to leave as well. Do not be surprised that a beautiful girl like me, educated and kind still has no one to spoon the night away with. See,I have not found anyone yet with whom I am deeply, intensely,willing to take a plunge into the sea for and anchor my life to.I am still a ship at sea,searching for my light house. I think when I find someone who I can sleep on the floor again for,I will let myself get hooked for life. When I find my blazing flame, this little moth shall stick around for eternity.

 For now I want you to know,I am  deeply sorry I let you go. I was afraid you would face insults worse than what I was facing when I left, worse still not from strangers but from my own,for loving you unnaturally. My people can be very unforgiving. I hope you will be more forgiving if ever we meet again.I hope when I arrive in the promised land you will come for me,you will  take me back like you said you would that night when you first touched me ..softly. Like you did not want me to bruise as I am right now.

 My face is black and blue like the sky,I want to tell you how I got bruised but right now I have run out of ink.I promise to write as soon as I unpack my boxes and find a blue inked pen.Black reminds me of many sinful things and I do not want you thinking I wrote this letter and I associated it with sin.For though I love you sinfully—as some may put it,I want you to remember the love I have for you as scarlet red,deep and bleeding for all the choices I have made that I have not been able to sleep with .goodbye for now

❤ M.M

Its ok to feel insecure sometimes,but not to a point of paranoia

Im no marriage expert,never been married--don't even know if marriage is around the corner for me anytime soon but i have my 2cents to say about insecure partners--whether in marriage or in a relationship.Insecurity is repelling--i should write that in bold and underline it.
Seeing someone who is insecure about their partner especially in a marriage is troublesome.If you marry someone and you cant trust them,insulting every person whom you supposedly think is trying to be with your partner doesn't solve anything.The root problem is the two of you,deal with each other instead of burning bridges with whomever you come across.If you asked,you might  realise perhaps that your valued significant other might be the one o o nang le mathata.Ask your partner to cease communication with their exes if you have a problem with them keeping in touch.Its a fair request and a necessary one  for you marriage to regain trust if trust issues are shaky and if they respect and love you enough they will, instead of go thokela batho ba bangwe botho. Being insulted for no reason is hurtful and even the calmest individual can turn foul if you insist on going the high way..Plus whoever is disrespectful o itiga seriti le lenyalo la  le heleletsa le  thoka seriti. Tlhomphang malwapa a lona,le ikage ka bolona,and deal with the common denominator of your problems. You took your marriage vows and you vowed to be faithful to each other.Other people did not help you say them.no one held a gun to your heads to say them.So be faithful and ensure your partner knows you are faithful if need be mme  hela if there is trouble in paradise,i would really appreciate that partners restrain themselves from the unnecessary uncivil confrontations tse o hithelwang di dirwa nkare motho o fitlhetse partnera ya gagwe e le first man or woman on earth and he or she did not have friends before they met.A civil hey, im aware you guys are friends but this is friendship is causing a strain in our marriage,would you please cease communication  with my wife or husband will likely do the trick with a true friend, mme when one decides to use language i cannot even repeat le rona re simolola go ipotsa gore tota gatwe re reng.Nne re ka go fa tlotlo,ra thompha mme ka ha o iphe seriti rona re go reng .
If the partner seems to be straying deal with it,don't be soo blinded by  jealousy that even people with no ulterior motives are drawn into nonsensical issues,le mo bomogoloe,cousins and just friends are suspected of other unnecessary things. Botho-courtersy-buthu in whatever language you call it,is a fundamental principle of every home-self control likewise--so not being able to handle issues like an adult one is left wondering whether you are even worthy to be paid attention to ha o thapatsa  mongwe le mongwe. 
Probably today's blog sounds like a vent,it is.

The brain of a female medic

I am sitting here thinking,maybe when i grow up, i want to be a housewife.I am a physically grown up woman you see,but i still have a lot of growing up emotionally and mentally to do.It seems a tempting option to be a stay home wife,despite it being constantly disregarded as a fulfilling career.My view is,there is no better job than raising one's children oneself and doing so diligently,moreso in this era where helper stories are horrific and terrifying.I am constantly thinking of what it means to be a woman and be in my field of work.How am i going to juggle the hereafter.Being a medic and being a mother and hopefully someone's wife.At the moment,when i am in my busiest rotation,i do not even have time for myself,my health or my whatever.So i wonder is this going to change somewhere in the future.Am i suddenly going to get time out of the blue.I find myself asking more and more about specialities that allow one as much family time as possible.I dont even ask myself if i would enjoy doing that for a lifetime,when my not yet existent kids leave the nest.At times i wonder if its even worth it to specialise in any field..But my career choice is no longer just about me.It has never been just about me.It has always  been a battle of generations of lobbying for school fees for those of my gender,proving that being female is not a justification for my gender not to attend school no matter how unaware i may have been of the battle.The battle has always existed.Somewhere,someone in the world is being denied the right to get an education because of what they were born as.If i give up now my academic dream to be what i wanted to be ten years back,i justify the notion that it is better to send the male child to school over the female when the choice arises-cause we are known to resign to marriage and looking after babies.So i must suck it up--continue this path and learn to love it,even fated things from the start,you can learn to love.----TBC