Dear S-Why we left

Dear S

I am going to tell you myself why we left,lest you hear it from somebody else.

We did not intend to leave them to die.Intending would mean that we had the audacity to pick what we longed for in our hearts. That we were okay with aiding and abetting the coffin makers businesses. That at night, when we slept, we slept soundly at the thought of our impending pilgrimage like worry free babies. Like we were not cutting our own roots and leaving familiar behind.

 We did not carry our pooh in pampers anymore so in our sleep we turned and tossed as we contemplated how best to deal with all this pooh that they kept throwing in our front yards. Leaving us in messes we did not create. We bled deeply, for our country men. We did not have the privilege of choice or voice like you have over there. We got fed up of murmuring under our breath at daily wakes. Our lungs became heavy and it was hard to breath freely in our mother land. We left our world behind, whispering couplets, quatrains and sonnets of sad goodbyes. We only meant for those who were close enough in body and in mind, to hear why we were leaving.

Others like you, who had not seen what we had seen did not understand,they could not understand. I still hope you, even though you have not seen, you will understand, because you know well the kind of person I am.

 I am a saviour. Remember the day I slept on the hard floor with just a thin sheet to keep the crawling ants away because you were afraid of the dark and the eeri noises ,even though you knew fully well how terrified I am of crawling little things like ants, and by morning you called me a savoir because of that. My friend, I am still a savoir.But this war is no place for a savoir. Even Jesus himself would have walked away and never returned for the saving of these ungrateful souls.

They shouted at us like we were saint peter and we had sold Jesus for a few shillings. They said we had taken oaths to save lives and now we were  indulging in the seven deadly sins, growing greedier and greedier by the day. Mind you, we never told them in saving lives we would not want our own lives to be better. We never said we would be strong enough to never lust for extra shillings. So I do not understand why they call us sell outs. We never took an oath of saint-ship for anybody .We are just flesh and blood longing for the same things that other men faced with the temptation of a better life face.

Some of my friends’ wives married them for their potential.That potential was not being realised there, but it seemed there were places like Aussie and Obama-land  and other places where the promised land appeared to exist. So leaving with them was the choice they had before they left them first.

I have no wife or husband to leave with or to leave for. But their insults when we ask for a raise to keep or families just taken care of have forced me to leave as well. Do not be surprised that a beautiful girl like me, educated and kind still has no one to spoon the night away with. See,I have not found anyone yet with whom I am deeply, intensely,willing to take a plunge into the sea for and anchor my life to.I am still a ship at sea,searching for my light house. I think when I find someone who I can sleep on the floor again for,I will let myself get hooked for life. When I find my blazing flame, this little moth shall stick around for eternity.

 For now I want you to know,I am  deeply sorry I let you go. I was afraid you would face insults worse than what I was facing when I left, worse still not from strangers but from my own,for loving you unnaturally. My people can be very unforgiving. I hope you will be more forgiving if ever we meet again.I hope when I arrive in the promised land you will come for me,you will  take me back like you said you would that night when you first touched me ..softly. Like you did not want me to bruise as I am right now.

 My face is black and blue like the sky,I want to tell you how I got bruised but right now I have run out of ink.I promise to write as soon as I unpack my boxes and find a blue inked pen.Black reminds me of many sinful things and I do not want you thinking I wrote this letter and I associated it with sin.For though I love you sinfully—as some may put it,I want you to remember the love I have for you as scarlet red,deep and bleeding for all the choices I have made that I have not been able to sleep with .goodbye for now

❤ M.M