you don't know what its like to be online without you

there is a color
there is a color
that says you online
that says you online


babe--you don't know what its like
babe---you don't know what its like
to be on Skype
to be on Skype
without you

you don't know what its like
 to be online without you--
to be online without you-
and  Skype without you

my notifications  show
you were just online
just online
cause babe ---you just updated your Skype
Just updated your Skype


i want my time to be
spent skyping you
skyping you


babe you dont know
what its like
to not chat
to not chat
cause you offline


what good does it do
do send you a heart
if you are offline
if you are offline

you don't know what its like
 to Skype without you--
to Skype without you-
to Skype without you

babe--you don't know what its like
babe---you don't know what its like
to be online
to be online
without you

------just messing up with the song To love somebody --lol --but seriously--you don't know what its like to be online without you---do you  :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykU8iSKkJR0 --to love somebody

Chess--The status of a King

My game revolves around the King

No other piece matters for me 

Though check mate or  stalemate should end this game for me 

This Queen, is fighting only for a win 

They say it’s just a board game of chess and nothing more 

but we both know its also love poetry saying more 

than you can ever hear from the introverted me 

My King, I am the Queen 

The one who stands besides you through thick and thin 

With the combined power of the rook and bishop 

I  will move any number of squares along rank, file, or diagonally just to safeguard my King

Once in a while i need the  miracle of you castling over hardships 

and if need be 

I will pawn any piece exposing My King, My King-- to the enemy

They say it’s just a board game of chess and nothing more 

but we both know its also love poetry saying more 

than you can ever hear from the introverted me  

The outcome of the game revolves around the King

and since we are playing  a passionate game
of who moves first,how,where and when
i want you to know first hand
what the roles of a king are

A king knows his role so well he is not easily shaken by storms
A king uses his head to up his game whether he is white or black
and moves first or not
whether he is at an advantage or not
A king knows that it takes  team effort and appreciates the sacrifice  that keeps him in the  status of a king

A king knows its not just a board game of chess and nothing more
its a poem that says more than my introverted self can say

To be edited 

Inspired by a wiki article on playing Chess and Poetri's poem G

:) 

Botswana

I am the African face of  peace -of leisurely existence-of  quite pouring  calm flowing  through  the veins the

 the walk the stoop  the nod  of my citizens
The eye that has seen  poverty,war,disease in my neighbors and at times in my self
defining the dark shadow that has hung on the lips of men  about my continent
I have seen my men,my women,my children and their children's children succumb and rise to a fight 

I have seen  greying women's heads balancing  buckets of wisdom,and neck lines of beads and new arms  of babies of  hope
I have seen the languid spirit of my people killed by the disease, knitted back  together to life to a perfect quilt of  hope and hope and hope that defies human reason
Forming one  shield  of  a united mind   against the disease that has defined my people

My people though tormented are a generation of men calm in spirit -of tolerance and tolerance and zero violence-of no triggers and shots-no stabs no cuts - no blood shed 

A rare kind of gentleness- that stirs the fibers-the veins-the heart beats of men pilgrimaging from lands  afar

My  land has accommodated foreign men  like long lost brothers,taken in strangers and friends -acquitances and fleeing man

Made a home to some and left a permanent mark on those who chose to traverse through me

 from the north the east the west the south to every nook and crook of my 224 610 or so square miles

I am dignity dignified by the straight backbone that holds my country men upright
The pride in my people's eyes the warmth the welcome the humility the kindness the fibre that knits stranger with friend in the rare spirit of  Dumela-o tsogile jang?

The ancient handshake-the bended knee-the padded palms of To buchila mperi-to borrowed fists and chest touches in cities and modern towns of  westernized cultures

I am  Bushman-Kgalagadi-Herero-Kgatla-Ngwato-Kalanga

One blood line of former Bechuanaland flowing through the veins of all my people

I am  generations of successful leaders, of Seretse-Ketumile-Mogae

of an offspring of a rare type of democracy of no human life lost-of no political strife 

I am the eye startling beauty of my Okavango Zebras,of the winding swamps,the curvacious dunes of the Kgalagadi ,The gemstone lying deep in  the south landlocked in the center of  my continent  

The resolute resilience embedded in the DNA of my Kgalagadi Cactus, Of lion leader pack  pride

and salt lands of the Makgadikgadi, I am Botswana

The land of Peace ,calm quite and hope
of various cultures merged and coexisting side by side
I am Botswana

inpired by Thabo Mbeki's Speech  --I am African

For Kakale---My Grandmother

Young bird
How do i love thee
I shall not even count the infinite ways

i cherish you like time cherishes every  passing second
knows the value of a ticking clock
knows how every wrinkle is a wisdom link waiting to be clicked

You are my, default browser
The only one that beats Google chrome  when it comes to searching for real life answers

I love you like
Angina pectoris loves Levines' sign
always clutching you close to my chest

---TBC---

The crazy reasons why--- i want to be a surgeon

Surgeons are some of the most awed at specialists in  the medical field--at-least by most first year students who come in aspiring to be one of them.They dedicate long hours trying to fix broken people.I have met a few and i must say they are very smart people.At the same time --most have an intimidating presence about them---you kind of always have to be on your toes around them---what i love most about them though is their sense of humor -or lack thereof--depending on whether you can relate to what they have to say or not...a surgeon could say something like that's diabetic instead of that's sweet and have a good laugh about it--most often  i end up laughing too--totally blown away by the extremes that tickle us soo----and the way their eyes light up when they find a rare pathology could light up a whole hall with the least amount of energy but that pales in comparison to the thrill they get when they remove something that's been causing serious illness --its like a Bazinga moment --

so you see--i do want to be a consultant in surgery--well at-least on days when i wake up needing an ego boost and psychiatry seems like to a nice a specialty to try to get the boost from-after all my friends never get my jokes and they always laugh at the fact that they don't understand them --not because i said a good joke....

one more thing--i love the way surgeons bully you into slavery---slavery never really ends you know--it just goes on to exist in other forms--for instance--you may get a timetable from school  allowing you time for yourself on Thursday afternoon ----University rules right--and you will most likely get this afternoon off in all rotations except surgery---you cant even raise the University says this  argument---this is surgery---you don't complain---but the one thing i really look forward to doing when i become a surgeon is grill you on information i learnt over 40years and when you can't answer make you feel so stupid that quitting medical school after investing four good years seems like a a little sacrifice--the thrill--i bet its soo exhilarating ---to ask you about stuff you must be learning from me and expect you to now it at the level that i do--after an hour of starting the rotation---how diabetic is that


Oh by the way thank you for stopping by --i really appreciate it--and the comments i get are really inspiring--thanks so much for the love---

Afriend of mine has been asking me ho wto write a book---i only have one poetry book published and i am no expert but i do get to read articles online and if you want to pen yours  go to this link
 http://www.how-to-write-a-book-now.com/character-questions.html

will keep sharing more in due time ---

We are at 2875 views--still 7000 to go---till my 25 birthday - Thanks to people in the countries below--- i know some  records do not show up yet--eg people in Zim,Antigua --you been showing me some love :)

Pageviews by Countries

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Jamaica	35

Medicine babe--i wont give up on us

''Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make''

From Jason Mraz's lyrics I wont give up on us

Reflecting on my trying times grasping epidemiology, etiology  pathology,diagnosis,treatment,prevention  and going back to the basics ---some days i have felt like giving you up---but somehow when i listen to this song---i come back to you and try again and i'm just glad i'm not that person who walks away easily  :) so yeah babe

When I look into my notes

i got a lot to learn
And in the end,
You're still that friend 

who puts me through many tests 

I have to learn what I got, and what I have-not


I won't give up on us
Even if the marks  get low

I'm giving you all my love
I'm still hoping that some day 
you'll see that i have come this far 

and i wont give up on us

forgive me

 love

 forgive me

i thought i had forgotten you

forgotten  the rippling way your name resonates throughout my body  like electricity

lighting up ablaze places where dark coldness resides 

forgive me

this heart still knows how to show up whole  for you,  like goosebumps never tire of showing up for cold 

forgive me

warm flame, i did not mean to awaken you

set you ablaze, afresh 

forgive me

i  am all that your eyes linger at, in secret,watching me melt at the warmth of your love 

forgive me

your heart carries me in chambers of chests  full of sharp  knives you resect me

You  re-sect me into so many pieces of love i become a song, a play, a poem for you, about you 

forgive me 

you murder my being to an after life  dedicated to  loving you 

forgive me

and just when i think this  love is dead 

You resurrect me so damn well 

i  remain amazed by the way  my heart still  jumps up in  joy 

like young love  

forgive me

 

Why I love my past

My past
you are beautiful!
Soo beautiful
like a beautiful woman unsettles grown up men -leaving  them acting like two year olds'
 giggling and google eyed to you --soo  star struck by you --just happy to have been said hi to---just happy to have been  seen by you--just happy to have been held by you--just happy to have lived with you

You are that beautiful

you keep me bonded to you
the way old grief holds one in gently
glued in
taken in
wanting a scene where once we both stood,where once we were happy


You wide eyed
brimming with curiosity
wanting to know what my future would  look like
a year or soo

I want you to know
My future  looks so much like you
Its an entire replica of you
only with modified genes of what you learnt will work and what won't

Every where i go--i see you
reflected in the choices i make
telling me why i can't and shouldn't do this
and like an old husband who knows his wife knows him well
i sometimes listen to you

and when i don't
 i  always know how to come back to you
i call you experience
telling you how valuable you are to me


I want you to know

My Present is full of you
all the curves where we  took our wrong turns at keep popping up
reminding me how though you have walked away
i still think of you
you are all that i have known
and all that i will ,with  all certainty ever know

Some days i  lament of  days we spent together
tell people how good you were to me
I  say to them
Remember the good old days
how i have seen none like them

But even then you dont come back to me
you  never come back to me
and you forget me
 little by little you forget me
and i sometimes  forget you too

and when i think i have forgotten you
you think of me
and come back
in snippets of memory
and dates
and corners where we once stood
and you come back to get me

Are you my Praying Mantis?

''I've had my share of ups and downs, times when there was no one around, God came and spoke these words to me, praise will confuse the enemy.

I started singing, I started clapping, I started dancing, people were laughing, they knew my problems, they knew my pain, but I knew God would take them away.''---Marvin Sapp's Praise him in advance

One of my favorite gospel songs :)

Tonight i'm just chilling with praise and worship songs-and i am quite shocked really-cause its been a while since i chilled  with gospel music  -i suspect SOME Christians who read one of my earlier blogs on going to church got on their knees and prayed  for me --yah..my mom  sometimes says  we need friends who are like praying mantis--always praying for our lives  to submit to the word of God

i'm seriously on a roll tonight--i haven't listened to any secular music for the past 2hours  and I usually listen to lots and lots of secular music when studying---guys please don't pray too much for me hehehe...take me in baby steps if you want me to change---kana praying people are very dangerous--they can easily turn a situation  around so abruptly you end up not having a chance to adjust--

i have heard of people praying for others to quit smoking and it happened instantly--or quitting alcohol,drugs  and the like--- talk about the power of prayer man --so yah..guys----im not yet ready neh for  360degree turn around-you do understand right---so please ask God to take me in stages ---and unlike Damita who sings No looking back  and says she has made up her mind --there is no turning back --the past is behind her --i think i still have that urge and lust stirring in me getting me to look back--kana ke tloga ke tshwana le mosadi wa ga Lot--turning into a pillar of salt cause of my unwillingness to give up worldly things---


Mara,on a serious note ---The path to heaven is narrow bazelwane--ha o ntshwana le nna jaana o santse o rwele merwalo le dikeletso tse di sa reng ee, gare o ne o ikise ha pele ga Modimo o bo o kope ba ba itshwareleletseng mo Moreneng go go khubamela--so you guys who are praying for me, continue to do so---i do need a refreshing annointing from the Holy Spirit...to be touched in a whole new manner--ke be motle --especially in areas of having a generous heart ---of being kind,considerate and loving towards others and being careful of  what i say--my mouth lands me in trouble on a daily basis :) nothing major though--minor squabbles with my much loved friends----anyway im sure if my mom read my blog she would be happy--mosadi wa Modimo ke belaela le mangole a ka tswa a ne a sale a uba ka go nthapelela ka pelo e ne e sa thole e na le kgathego mo go kalo..mme jwale ke utwa ke nyoretse lehoko ---bogolo jang ke le reriwa ka setswana kampo sekalaka ---o hitlhela ekete lehoko la teng le tsena mo boteng jwa pelo ha le reriwa ka teme ya kwa ga rona

Morena kere Madi ya tswang maqebeng, Le metsi le thlakoreng Ka ‘ona ke re nthlatswe, ke be motle ke loke Ke be mothle ke loke 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFsbFddgWpI

Bless me father,For i have sinned

There are days when my mirror hides my own flaws
When i see my own view more clearer than my brother or sister's
There are days when i'm without sight
When my mouth runs so fast the wrong words beat my true intentions to the finish line
But God,you do know my heart
You know the Sins i commit knowingly and the ones I don't
Lord,you do know i never wake up with intentions to hurt nobody
So i humbly ask you Father to wash the stains of my sins
Bless me  Father,i've wallowed deep in sin
Bless me Father,For i have sinned

Facebook- Love and Commitment

Today i am taking a peep into the role played by social networks especially my favorite social network --Facebook in love  dynamics --Facebook has changed the whole dating scenario--from making a relationship public or leaving your relationship solely to the privacy o f your own home,  to  updating or not updating relationship statuses,to who you be-friend--talk to,stalk---poke to old crushes you search and reconnect with and exes who block you from their walls and who you block --to updates that have hidden meanings---to using friends' facebook to stalk people who have blocked you--to monitoring who is talking with who and not talkinng to you-to being told who you could talk to,who you should delete-to who is updating statuses and ignoring your messages--to the new seen with inboxes  :(

God knows i could do quite well with the absence of  message seen  and not having to explain myself everytime when im not in the mood for a  conversation--denial of the truth is soothing at times--knowing you are being ignored or ignoring someone is a  heavy blow that could cause sleepless night-lol..yah..facebook is a whole new universe with totally different communication schemes isn't it,and don't ask me how i know about  all these.Women are known to be very good detectives when it comes to matters of the heart--and mind you  i am one woman and a half...

Over the weekend,a friend of mine whom i was arguing with over our progress on matters of rites of passage--you know the birth, puberty ,marriage and death rites said a very profound statement  -he said we  are in the same boat-the fact that i have my relationship status updated as in a relationship and he has not updated his--we are both essentially single--and we have only gone through two rights of passage as far as the rights of passage are concerned--he did mention my facebook status doesn't really stand to prove anything ----to a certain extent i do agree with him because whether we like it or not --in real life we have single boxes tick---no ,its complicated,or in a committed relationship or open relationship....or all the stuff facebook offers us to chose from

On the same note--another friend did mention that love and commitment cannot be merely proved by an update...it runs way deeper than that---its what is done behind the scenes that matters..no matter how much you may want or not what that status of your significant other to justify whatever you wish your statuses to be--a coerced update does nothing to help...commitment like everything else in life is a matter of choice--and God gave us free will with the understanding that what we choose to do out of our own will,we do it wholeheartedly.

 I was also made aware that so many fights ensue over facebook,despite the  happy couple pictures updated--people put on a front  to show how happy they are and will go on to be lovey dovey on each other's walls while the inboxes are seething with heated debates and anger and resentment---some even go to the extent of logging in a partner's facebook wall to write a  >3 --u know the heart symbol --on their own wall --i just had to laugh at this and people do go to the extent of breaking  up because of a message left on somebody's wall that was misinterpreted--or only went to  reveal a lot more than what one thought they knew.

The thing about fighting on facebook though,and re updating your status to single in the scrutinizing  eyes of the general public is those who have been waiting to pounce at a chance to be with you or the significant half may also have this confidence that online flirting seems to bring to the table--they take the opportunity to offer a shoulder to cry on--and possibly destroy every chance the two of you may have had at reconciliation--then comes the stalking--to see if you are as happy with the new person--to see who has moved on with who--to see how you are generally doing-if you are crumbling down sometimes--if you think about them sometimes,if you miss them --if you have taken down the pics that used to adorn your profile page ...Dynamics hey--To make matters worse, i was informed some courts now recognize evidence from  facebook  in facilitating  divorce proceedings--in some cases people have known that they were ''played'' through facebook and have gotten in touch to find out the truth via facebook.

I am still not sure which option is best when it comes to relationships and facebook
 -to keep your private life to yourself and your loved ones--you know the people who really matter  or the fact that you update because you have nothing to hide --- i think leaving a little room for mystery is healthy--and trusting partners to be smart enough to make accountable decisions goes a long way and could save one from plenty heart ache --but what do i know---im a Youngling when it comes to matters of the heart :)

Anyway i have said  a mouthful   and i'm really tired today---so chao --till i blog again--in the meantime i'm gonna make a few more observations


(Ke le Mma Gee ka namana--
the one and only ---
Lo--
Ngumbadzebgwe-
Maituba--
Ngwana wa Jafu na Galani--ke a ipoka bagaetsho--ha o sa ipoke o ta bokiwa ke mang )


PS I must admit i have been in denial--i do love blogging about love and relationships--and marriage lol-there -i said it-Grash and Motanki--i finally acknowledge that your observation is  true :)

In the arms of an angel

I have seen enough dying people for one lifetime- a part of me dies at every meeting--once in the field one often grows a little numb and number  to the pleas in the eyes...one  tries not to take it to heart-its called self preservation--most times delivering bad news is just another set of bad news being delivered  to one  life met temporarily--or atleast we try to distance ourselves enough for it to be just that...we learn the art of classical conditioning-Pavlov---you get used to the idea and respond with a typical response--we learn to be   empathetic but not to think too much  about the patient or the loved ones who are going through the dying process with them  and dying in their own way too---we avoid finding out how this death affects-we avoid the tears--the real humane experience of dis-ease.We do not know how to deal with people breaking down---we do not know

Often times,treating death as another rite of passage tends to be  more acceptable when the circumstances around the death somehow show a lack of responsibility over one's health  -especially if one thinks of modifiable risk factors--did you smoke--did you exercise--did you drink--did you have yourself regularly checked for this and that--did you take your meds--did you monitor your diet--We ask.These questions somehow qualify a certain level of arm length sort of  uncaring  attitude,if you didn't. --but if you did all you could--if you did all you could! It leaves one  shaking to the core--wondering what control do we really have over our own lives---especially when the patient is a young one-someone we identify with--someone we see ourselves in.

Once in a while there is that one patient--who tugs and pulls at the  dying feelings so hard  that he/she awakens the empathy and the sympathy in the soul so abruptly it momentarily feels like one has been splashed with a  full bucket of ice cold water.

When that happens,the reality of death hits home.it hits hard.This patient is not just another  30 year old male or another  25 year old female---she now becomes a daughter,he now becomes a son-someone's little girl --someone's boy--a wife-a husband-a sister-a brother-a friend-a beloved someone-i see myself in the patient's eyes-my life dreams and goals waiting to be  fulfilled--wondering if tomorrow will ever arrive for this one-an open path of possibility of a life unlived sinking with  anxiety-worry of the unknown--i start feeling a fraction of the fear behind my patient's eyes--the denial-the anger-the frustration--the pleading-the guilt-i wonder what genes are these that are worthy of being passed down-i question the inheritance of my patient's biological makeup--i question God.I question....at times i  meet the smiling dying--the ones who make death look like a little nuisance and face it with soo much bravery --that even though they are dying flames--they still light the whole room up-their eyes have a certain kind of unwavering faith  it hurts--especially if we have to deliver the news--there is nothing more we can do-but even with this kind of news some continue  to stay alive in their faith.These baffle me---their strength--their appreciation of the  little things-their faith ---i envy them--i find myself wishing i could spend my last days adorned in the same smile they wear..---and fly away in the arms of an angel with the memories of my beautiful life seeping through my veins

.

So you,met the love of your life too soon

keep on walking

its not your fault

that your heart loves somebody true

so you 

met the love of your life too soon

don't tell me you

 letting her go

cause i got here first

cause you 

and i both really know

your heart loves her for sure

so you 

met the love of your life  jus too soon

i wont get mad

maybe just a lil' sad 

cause even though

i'm letting you walk away

it's only cause i know 

i wont

keep you tied down 

in misery too

i know you

jus love somebody else

and you 

jus met the love of your life jus  too soon

so keep on walking

its not your fault

that your heart loves somebody true

jus one more day 

and you'll find me with  somebody  else

who loves me just like you

love her madly  too

so you 

met the love of your life too soon

let me give you 

something worth walking  too

something 

i couldn't  give you while you were here too

if it's the only way your heart 

can keep beating too
i love you i really do
and i know you dont get why
i could let you go if i do

but keep on walking
cause you
 just met somebody made jus for you

wrote this while listening to  Call your Girlfriend --by Robyn--lovely song

Why i stopped going to church and why i am planning on going back

Sometimes i feel like God is chasing after me...everywhere i go i am surrounded by God fearing people.God knows i'm a naughty kid at heart so this little angels who keep me sane are highly needed.Today i listened to two sermons online,in the middle of one sermon i thought of how long it has been since i last went to worship in a church even though i get invites from time to time.I think perhaps the pastor's vision about me becoming a pastor some day still has a chance of becoming true...yah,once upon a time i visited a church with my mom and the pastor was like Mma Wada,what would you say if one day your girl decides to quit school and be a pastor.To tell the truth i was upset...this was before the era of holy bottled water that costs P75 per bottle  which you do get in the general grocery store at P5--prayer is expensive bazelwane --apparently this bottled water you keep refilling with tap water when its like reaching the bottom and continue to use, and you sprinkle on your body and you can give your neighbour a teaspoonful to go use for healing and other stuff like prosperity at their house.

I know a church calling should get me excited and grateful to serve the Lord but at the time i saw pastoring or any work in the church as a form of begging.Gakere all the churches i have been too the sermon always ends with money talk so yah i was so sad that my life would be reduced to a life of begging  and i even told my mom i didn't think the pastor was a genuine man of God after the service.Why would he say something like that,that was my education he was toying prophesying about...so yah,that incident kind of got me in this role of criticizing churches--i started seeing them as just one other form of running a tax free business...no one keeps audits in check in church,tithes come in and if you are  a pastor who is able to mobilise people to dig deep in their pockets you can have a BMW debt free, a mansion you never bought a brick for and your bills and your food will be paid for by the congregation that takes care of the daddy of the church.In addition i hated the fact that you had to dress up every Sunday,the competition as to who is dressed best is ongoing,its like something you know is happening but no one really ever informs you about.The fact that i was also raised from  a not so christian foundation family didn't help either..i am or was constantly questioning the existence of this one true God...

  A friend of mine asked me if its alright to keep going to church if you have a sin you are aware of and are not ready to give up..i looked at her and said--everybody in a church has a sin,gakere this thing about going to church is to try to mould you with the potter's hands,you are a work in progress---so while answering her i answered my own critical human voice--i may have plenty sin in my own life but i do need God..and he has been chasing me faithfully to take me home,now i am ready to be  caught--and people in the church may abuse church resources ,even if that may be wrong it is not my place to judge or condemn.God has the final say---so next time you see me in church just think of me as the she Moses who was kept in the wilderness for 40years in preparation for the calling -- its been a year with me  out of church but it still is the wilderness--so yah,maybe one day i will be a pastor--if i do you guys should seriously come to my church--i will pray that your tithes bring you prosperity--mind you,when i pray things happen--eg i sometimes pray that just one person  reads my life experiences and you did --so you see i am a powerful pastor already :) chao

PS i also have met  really genuine Christians who have taught me more about God's love by their actions rather than their speech

wanting alone time in a relationship is like looking forward to a weekend in the life of a working man

to want alone time in a relationship shouldn't get you on a guilt trip..it is HEALTHY in capital blocks---it's like asking for a vacation  from a job you really love and would sacrifice most of your life for--yet still you know you need that vacation, or looking forward to a weekend from your co workers..you go have fun with other people or just go relax by yourself and come back rejuvenated and ready to tackle the world..often times its viewed as bad because of the timing in which a partner asks for it or the manner in which the time out is asked for.more often than not,people spend so much cousy time in the initial stages of the relationship that when reality sets in and the human nature to want to be by oneself sometimes kicks in, one partner is so used to having the other around that this may be interpreted as rejection.i learnt today that it is actually a healthy aspect of a relationship which if not given may end up building resentment and stifling  the individuality each partner brings to the table..thanks to Dr Wiki and Dr Google...so next time your partner  says i need space..give them space..its for your own good and for their good :) and yep..i'm taking time for me soon --just to be the crazy me that i actually am....

leaving

 feels like you already gone
even though you still right here
you been the only thing that's been this just right
but this stupid universe keeps pulling you there while i'm  still stuck here
all i want is to be with you
wherever
but all i know is right now,you are going places i cant go yet
if only you had a choice
to think you are already gone
when you are really still here
i want to be  happy and set you free into this world with a happy heart
but you leaving soon
leaving behind an empty nest
a lonely heart
how do i un-fall for you
cause this falling has me hurting every-time you leave me behind

This black hair

our growth is our enemy
of constant mutations of receding hairlines
hiding behind bangs of  microlines
brand names
straight
curly
weaves
wigs
extensions
glued
beauty
scalped
this identity
whose identity
brazillian
indian
natural
synthetic
human hair
whose hair
why

Dating package material- how to be a package worth picking and keeping -via grocery shopping rules

i am sitting here,thinking about the sayings we have about inner beauty and outer beauty,how over emphasis on one and rejecting the other can be detrimental-often times i hear people claim they should be loved for who they are-their inner self and not what they look like-o tshwanetse go nkamogela ka fa ke ntseng ka teng---with the belief that true love should have some sort of oversight to appearance-atleast the modifiable kind more especially reffering to body weight, on the other hand though some say looks are everything and will go to the north pole and back to work on the outer appearance.i believe an extreme belief in either statement can leave one disappointed.truth is looks matter and content too.when you go into a shop to get a product you have never used before,what attracts you first when you are at a distance is the outer package-you pick the one that attracts your eye....lets say this  product is a bag of rice--i do love rice by the way :) .you look at how its packaged-is it appealing.you compare it with similar products but maybe of different brands.then you look at the price-still comparing and seeing if you can  afford it,the use by and expiry date...and if its palatable to other members of your household...when you take this product home-you use it accordingly-the aroma,the taste,the texture--the way it looks and whether it is  satisfying.this are some of the things that come into play when you are using this product for the first time.so if its rice you also note how long it takes to cook..is it the kind of rice that would sky rocket your electric bill--or if you are a gas stove user one that would have leave you hanging in the middle of a month without gas because it takes 3 hours to cook a cup of rice.if you find some unsatisfying features of the contents of the package you bought ,next time you might pick a not so attractive package of course--and the contents may satisfy you and appear to be more user friendly and economic--so what is m point exactly? My point is,ladies we need to stop feeding ourselves the lie that we should be loved for who we are and not work on improving ourselves..and yes,you brothers as well--we should take care of our bodies-it is good for us and we will be doing it for our own good...you could do this simply by making sure you follow simple life rules,take a bath twice a day-wear clothes that suit you,eat healthy,exercise-go for check ups when you need to..take care of you---and don't sit back and expect do be  the unattractive package at the grocery store waiting for someone to pick you pick you up.mind you,you could have the best heart in the crowd-the best inner contents-the best manners but if you don't package yourself well it will take  a while before you are noticed...its sad but its true.looks do matter.now from a different perspective,if you take to much time making sure you look appealing but never pay attention to what is inside of you,o tlo re perhaps o le plate ya rice e e tsholotsweng ---you will be a plate of rice thrown in the rubbish bin holding regrets of what if's.the thing about being pretty is nobody eats pretty--and there is always-always a better package out there eventually--and even if one succumbs to falling for pretty eventually the pressures of the world leave one questioning one self what this pretty is doing for me---i take care of this pretty but it waste my money --it cant think-it cant do anything--pretty is just a package sitting on the shelf waiting to be admired---truth is for pretty--it will be easy to get people interested in you,but most people wont be willing to keep you.you have to be a well balanced product to be  a long lasting brand.-last but not least..the use by and expiry date--we all have sell by and expiry dates--we just don't have individual  bar codes telling us when we will done--but the general rule is 20-45years after birth is the peak and term of  your usability--and years after that here and there we do get the exceptions to the rule --with dwindling product satisfication---so you have to know when to be on the shelf-strategically placing yourself into visibility  in such a way that you are not sitting on a shelf way after your expiry date. one --make yourself eligible of being picked  up 2.have good content that will keep people coming back for more--3.be affordable but not cheap to the extent people question your quality-- its simple grocery shopping rules applied in real life

PS
The thoughts expressed on this blog are not necessarily those of the writer--just sentiments i pick from everyday conversations and decide to explore further

the secrets i hold

when my youth was stolen right under my nose ,i spent months figuring the probability of what 1 in every second really meant --how long intact survived in the hands of  lust--the screams i howled downed the voices that told--the secrets i now hold,need not be told,though i  have no  reasons to keep them this close.i  do have my reasons for keeping them this close.all they have left is the echo of grief,i have kept my lips dumb,paralyzed by bits that taunted my life,i know the cost of words,how they can take away power-sip away strength you thought you owned- i look back at the scene-know how everyone wants to own bits and parts here and there,so they can also be there-but no one is willing to safeguard the lines that my life hangs on.no one knows how to keep words whole,so we give away bits that are too heavy to carry alone,we kill trusting souls with the  trigger of whispering guns and bullets of know it alls-we find loop holes to halves and halves that should  make wholes-we peep into lives whose truths are hard told--we punch holes--when gossip ends-what do we gain exactly-if i told you my life story-would you turn a blind eye of a blind eye of a blind eye to the specks in my story-would you understand why i prefer bits of my story to be wilting instead-carry my past cremated to the grave-would you understand why i obsess on how the resurrection of my past can haunt my life like a ghost-i have lived someone's mistake before- like the figures of 1 in every second i know the pain of being married to a past i hate.of refusing to accept statistics in the face of adversity--we all have secrets that we don't want told-we only have parts we carry dead inside

How i made my mom cry

 im a hapharzad person,i thrive in spontaneity,but sometimes i do need order--that is why perhaps i work well with my organized friends,they kind of bring structure in my life.this month though i decided i am going to try this timetable thing ,thanks to Miss N,whom i fondly call boss lady and is my no-time-wasting-i have-not-read-a-book-in-a-while-yet-exams-are-around-the-corner-friend- She really inspires me to work hard through her discipline and strict work schedule-so we will see if this timetable thing works after all,i did mention i want a distinction right,so since i have not been getting the marks i need to get, i figured change wont kill me--i should try something different-so i drew a timetable--i should have included poetry time,writing time,eating time,bathing time,toilet time, walking time lol..just kidding--i just need a structure to show me i'm doing something or going somewhere..
0n a different note i did send my mom the poem i wrote her for mother's dayafter all.she knows i write from time to time but she has really never read anything i have written so she was all in tears and laughter and when i called her she had me tearing up.i had that lump you get in your throat when you are overwhelmed with emotion, and for the first time in my 24 years i made my mom cry  lol..talk about turning tables around...she used to be the one making me cry back in the day when i was a  bad kid--the  6 year old twins were on her case--asking her why, i quote,a grown woman was crying and laughing this early in the morning..little midgets! --they speak as if they have seen it all..she responded that her first born had made her day-and they had not--and she proceeded to inform the poor souls about mother's day==to which they responded by singing her a happy mother's day song they invented on the spot.Talk about being crafty and smart--I don't know yet where my 10 year old sister was,but i'm sure my mama enjoyed her day,knowing my sister's generosity and her ability to surprise us like that...as for my bro--i kinda miss him--i should call him when Miss N's study schedule says family time,bye for now..i have stuff to read or i am dead meat

DAY  1 Donate clothes You no longer use	DAY 2 Give away some  books you don’t use	DAY 3 Volunteer at a shelter	DAY 4 Write prisoners letters-I feel guilty about a letter from a prisoner who once wrote me and I never replied	DAY  5 Walk from Champ Fleurs to Trincity and back
DAY 6 Go  fishing	DAY 7 Go ice skating	DAY 8 Learn sign language	DAY 9 Learn to say “hello” in 50 languages.	DAY10 Learn how toBelly Dance
DAY11 Pay for someone’s lunch	DAY12 Finish the  fiction in my online library	DAY 13 Start  a happiness project	DAY 14 Make a difference in at least one person’s life.	DAY15 Write and publish a novel
DAY 16 Audition for makeup modelling	DAY 17 Gain a Readership of over 10000people by December 2013 for The SEED magazine	DAY 18 Uplift someone’s spirit	DAY 19 Graduate with distinction Jtough one--worked towards this with the timetable issue	DAY 20 Get my blog to 10000views by Novemeber 3 2013-we are at 1993 views 8007 to go
DAY 21 Create enough passive income so that you don’t have to work another day in your life.	DAY 22 Live on 25tt a day for  25days	DAY 23  Get an ideal 4bedroomed home	DAY 24 Visit a mosque	DAY25 Run a Marathon
Day 26 Learn how to apply eye liner, and eye shadow	Day 27 Try a new hair style You have never done before	Day 28 Rehearse and recite poetry in  front of an audience	Day 29 Buy myself red roses and share them till I remain with one	Day 30 Watch the top 20 movies of all time

There is beautiful woman here now –for every Beautiful Woman

This is a love letter for all the women I have encountered in my lifetime

I keep you in snapshots of memorial photographs
Each snapshot beautiful in its own right
One corner filled with your sweet smile of wisdom and knowing kindness
A portrait of having seen it all still framed in lady like composure
No need to photo-shop , edit or crop your natural beauty
You are the right vibrance of calm and quiet
A strong hue of soft kindness and vulnerability
Sometime you come in black and white
But even then it doesn’t matter
Cause the contour of your being holds your inner self
That I cant forget who you are even if I tried
I remember you
In color and without
Sometimes you get the red eye, pretty red like your whale loving heart
And you sunny side pales the sun into oblivion
Auto correct doesn’t exist in your vocabulary
You just know how to love the living sinner out of me
Sometimes I ask you if you have a well of kindness you draw from, from where you come from
That kind that can break a man down and make him come out even stronger
But you shake your head from left to right
Claiming you are just ordinary
I don’t believe you cause you are miracle and magic mixed into one
You walk this earth like a piece of magic
Always making things feel and look just right
For all you are, for all you will ever be
You are miracle wrapped like one big present for this one lifetime
giving birth to life
I want to tell you I loved you from day one
From our dinner dates from umbilical cords and placentas and open sacrifice
And your hand covering me before every fall
From the way you said hi
To the quite silence of your presence
Shouting child, stay calm!
To the company I have with your memories when lonely plans to stop by
There is beautiful woman here now
If you don’t believe me
look in the mirror

Happy mother's day

I love how all the things worth having, have certificates

I love how motherhood is the only thing with living walking eating talking feeling evidence

I love how God reserved woman for mother hood

I love how close the bond of a mom is to her baby

I love how there is a kind of love that flows naturally

Like you don’t have to wish to know cause you already know this one is yours to love and to hold

I love how sleepless nights mean nothing when babies smile or cry

And when they cry , how beautiful it still can be knowing your baby responds to feeling

Today,I want you to look in the mirror for the first time

Hold your baby close and smile

Cause nothing beats the joy of motherhood

Happy mother’s day 

Something for my mother

When I was 8 and you were away I  knew there was a hole too big  in my chest-that no other but you, could fill.You were and still are, everything, that unconditional love can describe.No matter how many things i got,to fill the hole in my chest,nothing could fit just right,until you came right back.

Even at 24,I still describe home by where you are at,it doesn't matter where our place of residence is,or what beautiful  things we have around,but your being is what still makes a house a home.And nothing is as beautiful as coming home to the curve on your face.

No matter how brainy mathematical i get,i still  think  your heart is bigger than a whale's and even on days when you scold the life out of me,i still know you want the best for me and i would trade in an instant, everything in this world to be in your prison,because when this world has broken me down,you know how to easily  make my broken life whole

They say no one knows what the face of God looks like,but i think its because they haven't seen your face yet,as a kid,i always felt the kind of comfort people say heaven brings to the dead with just one look at your smiling face,and those dimples got me holding my breath sometimes-so mama-just know you are the most beautiful image of God I have ever come across

When i was thirteen  i thought i knew everything,but these days even with 4 years of learning medicine i still consult you for a cure for my cold,other things like heart aches and anxiety--i have come to accept you know everything,even encyclopedia's could learn a thing or two-like how easy you've made a mother's sacrifice look-270days of carrying my weight-and 4 other 3.5 kgs after me and not one day have you complained-You know,Jesus turned water into wine effortlessly-you perform your own miracles too,like turning sacrifice into simplicity

And now that I am old-I still find myself hoping to grow up someday to turn out exactly like you

PS.a friend asked me to write a poem for their mama,and i thought about things my mama has been to me..so i scribbled this for her..she won't get to see the poem for mama's day,but i hope to call her and just let  her know she means the world to me :)

Real life

I'm fascinated by people who have been together or married for over a decade,i applaud them for the patience and the tolerance and the many things that they have had to overcome to get where they are.I ask myself,what does it take to make what they have work.It must get a bit boring sometimes to wake up to the same face,it must be frustrating sometimes to have to put up with the same flaws--but i guess that is what real love looks like..and i guess if people sacrifice so much to encounter the same face over and over and the same boredom  then there must be something worthy of that sacrifice.Maybe real love means loving the imperfections just as much as the perfections--knowing that despite the bad stuff--despite everything-you still adore that special person-you still want to be with that person-and if they died tomorrow you would really get mad at them for leaving you behind-you would want to wake them up and ask them who they expect you  to fight with now that they are gone-so yah,my fairy-tale idea of  what marriage looks like is slowly fading-im accepting that marriage looks like a college student going to college for the first time.there is excitement when you get the news you have been accepted-you first wear your identity with pride-talk about it-but the first year is rough as you try navigate your way into new territory-sometimes you make mistakes that could get you expelled-sometimes you are given a year off to go cool your head and decide if you really want in and are serious about the opportunity-and sometime you meet so many things that could divert your attention from your goal-new sparks-new company and a lot more-like college life you will at times have sleepless nights over unsolved problems--and some will not make it, they will quit along the way--some will start off on a bad note and eventually do quite well-some will make it second time around-but anyway i am no marriage expert-i know nothing-im just taking a  few life  lessons  from Divorce Court and letting  my crazy imagination ask me-why in the world would two people who once could not get enough of each other end up fighting so bad that seeing each other's faces could make them sick to the stomach.