if i had to chose all over again,i would still chose you

That evening they dished generous headlines about you on my plate. I pretended to have an appetite. Garetshwarekathaa  as you would know,  could not resist the temptation. That woman-man  I’m certain, was once part of a Guerrilla war. The way ‘she’ does not wince when delivering such kind of news! God only knows if she truly is a woman. The sharpness and lack of sensitivity and her choice of wording-I tell you-she is  a soldier from World war III, heartless I tell you.Even a soldier from world war III  would spare a sleeping  enemy’s eyes the sight of horror of an impending  death.Kill me with my eyes closed,not in the sight of others if you must.But not her,she just had to let her bag of a mouth go loose  in front of all those people.And she knew ,John.She knew what the words would do to me. She knew.Anyway I was still telling you, that night I swallowed ever y bit of the news in chunk sized gulps. I could not bite, chew, digest or even stomach the little that managed to hit my gut.I sincerely do not know how  I managed to make my way out of that crowd.That we-want-to-see-you-down-gossip-monger-stinking heavier than fish scent crowd.But I did.We always told ourselves words except from our own mouths would never tear us apart  John.Do you remember?

I remember a lot of things about you John. Even things you begged me to forget.Even things I wanted to forget like the disappearing mist you were John.But every morning I would open my eyes,and there, you would be there.

That night I squirmed at the coldness in my heart. My eyes were thawing at the edges, spilling like an over flowing Nile bank, except that for this river building up, no one would quench their dry hungry throats with. Like a sentinel in patrol,I watched the sun rise and  sink as my heart bolted  in revolt. Consistently, I rocked my body in tune to the ticking seconds, hoping this precious thing they called time would come and leave with some of the loneliness that hung around my face like flies at a gate crushed party of cowdung and rotting garbage.There was  something about the smell of sweat that sent me back to June 8^th.

Maybe it had to do with the way I had rubbed the sweat off your eyebrows.How for the first time I had taken a peep into your eyes.How I knew without being told what a special  child you must have been John.How you had longed for someone to look at you with their eyes popping in delight.The sun and I we had to stay together.If it sunk and I did not sink in to the confines of those loveless walls my world would dim with the setting of the sun.So I watched my watch patiently John,waited  for you to reach in time.But then your eyes had taken the hurry out of me,and I had stared to my heart’s content.

And when you held out your calloused hand,the lateness evaporated with the anger,and I melted.I lost parts of me I didn’t recognize.The ant infested bench became so comfortable and that day we chatted about this and that.We imagined the football squad we would have in the future.We talked about the future.The future.It had a certain kind of comforting ring that made me want to spell it out over and over again.Our future.

John I still think of that ring when I think of our future.sometimes,I  see you bowing on one leg,my hand outstretched.Sometimes I see our dining room table and  fourteen plates  and our hungry football players each one with eyes exactly like your own.Sometimes I see us,arguing ,but no one ever walks out.

Why did you walk out John?

Sometimes I wonder if Gare  would know.She knows everybody’s business John.Even businesses you are not aware you own.I think she is a secret agent of The Voice John.She knew  where your half limp of a leg was at twelve midnight  that night you never showed up John.She knows the struggle you encountered with your subcounscious John.How at the age of four Uncle May asked you to do things with your mouth you had never seen anyone do before  John.She knows.She even knew how you sometimes even looked forward to the times when you would be alone with Uncle May so you could do those things to him.It made you happy John,didn’t you.You were not sure.It made Uncle May happy,you reasoned.So it would make your mama  happy too.and if your mama was happy you were happy too John. But then there were nights you woke up screaming,the smell of bleach fresh in your mouth.Those were nights when you remembered Uncle May’s dissatisfication.It had to be your fault John.Maybe your  mouth had not moulded  around the thing well.Maybe you needed more practice.But the more you thought of  the act the dirty you felt.And you rinse your mouth with bleach John.Bleach.That thing,got rid of even  the toughest of stains.Your entire life would be a comic strip of bleach John.Sometimes hidden in the form of people,sometimes  in little white lies.But your  dark side,no one,nobody should ever see.

Maybe you did not know you had  issues John. Did you? Did you know that even giving hearts are shut off sometimes John.No matter how generous.You learned that after seven years of pure submissive sacrifice.When you came home to the absence of Uncle John’s smelling boots and raining armpits.You learnt.No matter how hard you tried to satisfy Uncle John,he still left your mama.And all the good things that came with him left too.

First the gas stove disappeared.Then the paraffin stove.Then the All Gold tomato sauce.Then you had that tomato paste that looks like someone’s blood.The one where they put too much flour and you only put it to colour your food. Then the blame game started  John.You were a good enough big kid for nothing.You never told me John.But ahh,Gare,the walking talking ancient museum  had these records all along.Maybe if I had visited her earlier I would have long known.

I tell you,that woman is an encyclopedia.You can ask her anything,even things that happened in her absence,she will tell you details that you perfomed and were not even aware of .I am sure she was present on the first day when God created the earth.She was that  nothing  in the beginning I tell you.But now,it was too late.Her loose mouth was no good now.

John do you remember how at twenty one you bowed on one leg resolute for a life time together.Remember the sparkle that lit our one room like no  load shedding ever hit  our side of town.Do you ?  Was it you or was it the person  Gare  knew.I wish you be honest.I mean,as much as I want it to have been you,and not the Gare knew,I would still love you John.Even if you were trying to bleach away this dark desire you had since the age of four,I would understand.After all, there are things I know you know I did when I was with you that you let go.You didn’t even fluster ,no you just  waved them way like a pit latrine fly that keeps coming back to sit on your moulded lump of paletshe.This things you were glad I could get someone to for with me.

Me and you John,we understood.We just did not want people to know we understood.So you grew your beard long,and the longer it grew for public display the more our public display was perfected.In the house,you were free.We trimmed the parts that could give away our act  so well,no one suspected.after all,the church depended on our image.Me hard working wife of an elder in the church.You,dignified  business man.The people would be unforgiving if they smelled a rat.In this were were unified.But there were things I wanted again.Things you were not ready to give.Things that sometimes made me slip even in the confines of holiness as the holy man of God,the daddy of the congregation embraced me and gave me comfort your inner being could not John.But you were okay with this.For as long as I was doing things for the church  that would not harm but protect your reputation,you were okay.

So the day I came home to tell you the knews John,You never raised your voice.You just hushed me in silence,and told me  no one had to know.Every house had its own little secret. TBC

Initially i wanted to submit this for a short story competition but somehow i didn't feel a strong connection to the characters-i couldn't explore their emotions enough so i let the story sit and maybe it will be my first draft to that novel in my bucket list to 25-hope you enjoy reading it.

DAY  1 Donate clothes You no longer use	DAY 2 Give away some  books you don’t use	DAY 3 Volunteer at a shelter	DAY 4 Write prisoners letters-I feel guilty about a letter from a prisoner who once wrote me and I never replied	DAY  5 Walk from Champ Fleurs to Trincity and back
DAY 6 Go  fishing	DAY 7 Go ice skating	DAY 8 Learn sign language	DAY 9 Learn to say “hello” in 50 languages.	DAY10 Learn how toBelly Dance
DAY11 Pay for someone’s lunch	DAY12 Finish the  fiction in my online library	DAY 13 Start  a happiness project	DAY 14 Make a difference in at least one person’s life.	DAY15 Write and publish a novel
DAY 16 Audition for makeup modelling	DAY 17 Gain a Readership of over 10000people by December 2013 for The SEED magazine	DAY 18 Uplift someone’s spirit	DAY 19 Graduate with distinction Jtough one	DAY 20 Get my blog to 10000views by Novemeber 3 2013-we are at 1993 views 8007 to go
DAY 21 Create enough passive income so that you don’t have to work another day in your life.	DAY 22 Live on 25tt a day for  25days	DAY 23  Get an ideal 4bedroomed home	DAY 24 Visit a mosque	DAY25 Run a Marathon
Day 26 Learn how to apply eye liner, and eye shadow	Day 27 Try a new hair style You have never done before	Day 28 Rehearse and recite poetry in  front of an audience	Day 29 Buy myself red roses and share them till I remain with one	Day 30 Watch the top 20 movies of all time