things we know by heart

The afternoon we searched the grocery store to find the right spray for your daddy’s hair
He said, do you want that? 
My angels sat heavy on my eyelashes and 
I screamed Yes! at the top of my lungs like a little girl waving for a cone of ice cream on a sunny day

There are things we know by heart

My body has carried many like a far away train heading everywhere, but back home
My hopes are left over’s in take away plates picked from a bar lounge
Every beer smells like morning sickness nostalgia

I know nothing, like the emptiness in my womb , I know nothing

My womb is an expired carry bag with no bottom
My grandmother has a plastic bag to hold such things

I had a heart beat

I had a heart beat loud enough to wake the neighbors up and have them knock at our doorstep and ask us
Please! Keep the noise down!
My baby brother kept kernels of corn for your first tooth
said he wouldn’t mind painting your side of the room every girlish color your beautiful eyes would love to see

We hide the hurt of our loss like border jumpers
We Smoke our lungs away on the porch where your daddy first said, this is my last joint

We want to go home
to the smell of nappies, and giggling eyes and small toes and little fingers
We want to see you hold teddy bears and scream, yes I want that, like a little girl waving for a cone of ice cream on a Sunny day
But every empty room, is an open grave
Every knocking thought a shooting bullet
Every blue teddy a reminder of how blue you were the last time you were not warm enough