you tumble

like a set of bowling pins you tumble
like everything has been knocking you down
you have been trying to raise the dead
trying to knit together a memorial piece from forgetfulness 
from a garment of rags of pure Alzheimer's 
but this letting go
pulls you away 
with every passing holiday 
you cant remember the contour of the turn of his smile 
you cant remember the name he called you with when you smiled at the exact same time
you cant remember the song he hummed when his lips could not murmur the exact same love pounding in his chest
he is gone
you say
your hand is fisted with the knuckles kicking
and for years you've fought to help you to never let go
to never have you let go
of the steering wheel that crashed
your dreams of futures of wiggling toes and feet
and shining rings
and veils
you cant listen to the ipads in each other's chests anymore
to the wants and the plans
and the tomorrows you thought you would have
but with every kick
with every dusky bruise
with every punch
you spell mistake
mistake
mistake
you wrap your body in shock all over again
you stifle your hurt
leave it sitting like a hard dry ball in the deep throat of your swallowing gut
you still loved him
as simple as that
you still loved him

but there is no comfort in carrying someone's regret in a buried casket
so you let go
you let go
of the butterflies he freed in your belly
of the racing heart against your thumping chest
of the smiles that spread sunshine
as easy as that
though you still love him
you
still
love him